What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 08:01
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She found it foreign!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She married twice! .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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Comes on , in middle age.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
What did i know ?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Has anyone ever had sex with their cousin? How did it start, and would you do it again?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
How do you fight the push and pull (manipulation) tactic if you want to win him?
He resisted the act ,that day.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Especially a lifetime of it.
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My family never makes their pension either.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Would this be the day?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He knew the spot.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Was to survive, this bastard.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I will be 64.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was scared of men, in general
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
When she asked me how she looked .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
So whats the point in blame.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
It was going to be , some day.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Ive learnt so much.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why did i forgive my father ?
She was in good health!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I have no regrets .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And i lived it daily.
Who then, do I blame.?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I write beautiful poetry .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But, we were locked up after school.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I waited trembling.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was 9 years of age.
My life is so biszare .
I was very sick at this time too.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She loved him until the end.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I said to her
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I don,t even have a pension.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im still living with it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
This is soul school!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One cannot live in the past .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But it wasn’t much.
She wouldn,t have been !
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
All the time i was locked up.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We were not on the streets..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was seconnd youngest,
Put me off passion for life!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I think the readers, may guess!
So, i spoilt her more .